Categories
Matt's Rants

Stupid Cupid Tricks: The Explanation.

 

I was a nympho according to my mom. I was also considered as a playboy and a home wrecker as my coworkers carefully phrased it. I have found myself in several situations involving love and such. I started writing these stories on the bad situations I was involved in and called them, “Stupid Cupid Tricks”.

My mom always said I was going to be the lady-killer, the heartbreaker, the chick magnet. Even though this sounds like every nerd’s expectation from their mother, I have lived up to my mothers’ expectations. I soon found my self in high school falling into all sorts of relationships. I begin talking about these relationships on an Internet social media site and called them “Cases”. These “Cases” were read, reviewed, and critique by my friends and strangers. The first case got several hits and comments, it kept me going. I decided to rewrite and update them in hopes of getting people familiar of “Stupid Cupid Tricks” and to warn them of the dangers of the bad love out there.

I do speak harshly of the significant others so I am covering them up by calling them, Juliet. I was never called a Romero, but with the way I act at times, I never expect myself to be. I know the stories are going to sound familiar. Even though they are true events, if you think you are involved, please read the disclaimer below…

These cases are totally fictitious.

Any similarity to the history of any person (such as yourself), living or dead, or any actual event is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Except where specifically noted otherwise.

Thanks for reading and now on to Stupid Cupid Tricks.

Categories
Matt's Rants

Television.

As I channel surf and see the scores of teenage mothers and decades old movies, I am continuing to gravitate toward the real stuff, such as Bait Car. I can’t continue with the bathetic act that the reality television stars put on, oppose to cops baiting people into their trick cars. I am happy that we aren’t starting every show with a compere with that famous “Attention ladies and gentlemen” Speech, but I can honestly say that I am disappointed on where today’s world is going to. Nine hundred plus channels and apparently eight hundred of them are Kardashian related because people are looking to be involved in these people’s lives and see the crazy antics this family gets into. The world today is surfeit with people like them. Instead of being your own gallant creator, they always have to follow another.  I guess everyone likes to watch and some how relate to popular people’s drama. I say live your life under your own limelight and leave them alone. I know this might seem nugatory, but I had to get it off my chest. I have nothing against Kim. I did enjoy that movie she did with Ray J. I just think if you choose to watch something, let it be something you can learn from.  Hell, I watched an episode of Sid the Scientist with my kid and she, being two, knew shit that I remember learning in second grade that I had completely forgot. They made everything into songs like what School House Rock did when I was a child and I guarantee that she will never forget, which will definitely get her passed the Kardashians of the world. This just goes to show that our world is ending up in idiocracy.

Categories
Matt's Rants

My Girlfriend’s kid.

My girlfriend’s Son just came back from his dad’s house. I haven’t seen him in days and he is only 5 going to be 6 so I try to converse with him to build his verbal skills. Normally it’s over a bowl of cereal or some sort of early morning snack while everyone is still asleep and we are wide awake. An example of our conversation goes:

 

Me: What did you do this weekend?

Kid: We went to McDonalds!

Me: Cool, What else?

Kid: We went bowling!

Me: Did you win?

Kid: Uh huh!

 

Which I will always expect out of him being five or so, trying to develop his sense of telling stories. Then this weekend happened. I woke up late and didn’t get our morning routine, instead I started conversation with him in front of everyone.

 

Me: Did you have fun with daddy?

Kid: Uh huh.

Me: What did you do?

Kid: I played bowling until *newborn baby sister * fell asleep.

Me: Cool. What else did you do?

Kid: I saw *Dad’s new girlfriend * take off her Chonies (Spanish for underwear).

 

I wasn’t completely awake until this point, when my head snapped to the boy’s face and then quickly snapped to the boy’s mother, whose face is lit up in anger. The mother joins the conversation to see what else he noticed at his age.

 

Mother: Does *dad’s new girlfriend * sleep naked?

Kid: Yea, so does daddy!

 

The out come never came up yet, but I will admit, this isn’t going to be pretty. Sometimes, they are much smarter than you think.

 

Categories
Matt's Rants

Rule #32: Enjoy the little things.

Today, I realize how proud I am to live in this belletristic city. Sometimes it’s not always the cool things to see around the city so much it is the people.  For example, here is some of the things, I encountered today on my way to work.

I’ve come across a man asking for change. He was sitting on a fire hydrant, sitting next to a gas can. Assumable, he needed gas. I had to deny him, for my lack of carrying cash. I continue on my daily routine and ran into the gas station and retrieve a giant one-buck ice tea. Upon my return, the man was already at a gas pump, filling his can, while talking to a man in a high-end car. I guess it was an Escalade, but I don’t know jack about cars. Continuing my journey to work. Across the street, I race downstairs to the subway station. Paid my fares and found a seat on a bench next to a young lady. I really didn’t know anything about this young lady. In moments, she’d receive a phone call. During the call, she mentions that her warranty doesn’t cover what was wrong with her car. She said she wanted to go back to her old one. She also mention that she would stop paying her loan, which I, being familiar with loan processes, knew that would just add on to the problems she already had. She kept making references to dad and comments, such as “I know, mother” which would conclude that she was talking to her mom. She finally hangs up with her mom and the train pulls up.

 

Upon entering the train, the first thing that catches your attention is the homeless man, laid out on a few seats, forcing people to stand. Including myself. He was clutched on a duffle bag and looked horrific. Over grown beard, wore out clothes, and a stench that kept everyone on the other side of the car. I ended up snagging a seat next to an elderly gentleman. Then our on board entertainment begin. A six-foot black man begins to sing out loud to whatever he was listening to. I believe I would’ve gotten along with him otherwise, because of the Star Wars T-shirt he was sporting and a zombie tattoo on his leg. His singing caused me to put on my headphones. Since, I drumming on my leg to the song on my headphones, I totally missed the elderly begging me to move so he could get off. I finally notice his angry stare and quickly moved out into the aisle without taking off my headphones to avoid listening to his profanity.

 

Finally, it comes to my stop. I couldn’t be happier. After, step dancing with the singing Star Wars fan, I raced up the stairs to catch my bus. I was the only one at the stop, with a colorful line of Taxicabs. Minutes have passed and there’s now a group of us looking upon the colorful cabs. Bus finally arrives and chases the cabs around the corner, almost like a lion chases antelope. Being first at the stop, some how made me last on the bus, but I didn’t care, since I would be in a matter of stops. The bus apparently comes across a mental training facility, because there are always a bunch of mentally challenge folks. Literally. Since, I have been making the same commute for the past eight years, I have seen several of these faces before. Some say hi, but most of them stay silent. I think it’s mainly because they are shy. Which they shouldn’t be, because being different is something everyone has in common with everyone. I am pretty sure, they are much smarter than the majority of the humans, I do know anyways. I, eventually, get to my job and begin my workday.

Who can disagree with on road entertainment like this? I know I enjoy it, more than my whole workday combine, with the exception of payday.

Categories
Matt's Rants

Creepy Church Carnival

I used to live by this church that looks like an architect’s masterpiece with the exception of the weird abortion poster on the side of the building. It displayed a naked infant, lying on his/her stomach with an extended arm, with the line “Take my hand, not my life”. That conjured up several thoughts including “Is that what an aborted baby looks like? ” I always imagine the crazy characters that protest those antiabortion clinics begin there.

 

Years later, I came across this place again for a carnival. There was a large box van parked on the street with the back cab open. It had the words “Merry Go Round” Spray-painted on the back wall of the cab. I didn’t think much of it, except a Sunday night filled with entertainment for my family. I decided to check this place out, forgetting about the past thoughts. As my wife, kid, and I entered the church’s parking lot that contained an outside market place, we decided to cruise the tents filled with cheap merchandise and ended up buying a toy to please the pursuing child. We finally get out to the playing field where the carnie games are with some of the rides. I have several experiences in arguing with carnie game attendants, so I tried to avoid them at all cost, so I dragged my child on some rides. The first ride we hit up is a Ferris wheel. Old and wobbly but we survived. The toddler enjoyed herself if you can look passed her look of fear every time she saw skyline oppose to ground.  When we finally got out of the Ferris wheel cab, I quickly dragged her to the next toddler friendly ride, which was a circling coaster. She was open to the thought of jumping into a cart with daddy, but in a matter of moments of the ride beginning, I found her face shoved in my kidney. That sort of set the tone for the rest of her trip. She refused to go onto any rides. We tried to get her on a kiddy cars ride, but she objected and we had to find a ride quick to use up the shredded tickets of the ride operator. We saw a mirror maze across the way. The Mirror Maze operator was this scary guy name Bob. Bob had sleeves of tattoos of curved words. Something you wouldn’t expect at a church carnival. He was friendly and sent us on our way. We quickly got through the mirror corners and found a set of rusted stairs. At the top of the stairs was a short walk of fun mirrors that lead to a slide. The slide was awesome. So much so, the toddler raced back into the mirror maze to try this again. I followed her. Unfortunately, even after already conquering this maze, she still managed to run into a mirror and occasionally get stuck and cried for help. When getting off of the slide for the third time, we had to pull her away.

 

Upon exiting, we found the ultimate slide! About two million feet in the air, the child found her sanctuary. She didn’t mind the 2 billion steps up to the slide and was overjoyed and ready to climb again after every time. We convince her to leave by saying we needed to feed the dog at home. As we were rounding the corner to the front of the church, we came across the creepy, weird, abortion sign. I guess antiabortion campaigns aren’t so bad.